Monday, October 12, 2009

Shame

For today, I commented on sojourners blog about Shame.

I don't feel shame but did rant and rave a bit. I need someone to talk to that is not going to take what I have to say personally and be defensive. I don't feel I need a psychologist, I just need someone to CARE. I have my dearest but he always wants to fix the probem or tells me I should have done or said ...........I do have ONE friend that I can talk to about pretty much everything but I could overload her and then she wouldn't be my friend or maybe would try to avoid me. Hey, maybe that is what she is doing now. I haven't seen her for a while.

I think my problems are something I have to deal with but my way of dealing with things are to go to the source (person) and talk to them about the problem. Even during that talk, I am choosing my words and feel I can't say what I am really feeling or don't know how to say it without bringing out defensiveness in that person. It usually makes it worse instead of better. Why? I am telling them how I feel or what it was that hurt me, etc. I want them to tell me what they were feeling or why they did or said what they did so I could understand where they were coming from. They don't do it. They don't tell me anything, they don't answer the question. I just feel intimidated or that it was all my fault. Sometimes things are better but most of the time it ends up the same or worse, they go on with our friendship like nothing happened but it is there, it is still there between us. You can feel it. I have chronic fatigue and stress makes me sick so heeeeellllllllppppppp!!!!!

You see, the things that are going wrong in my life now is "highschool "stuff with friends. We are "fully growed" women and are acting and saying things that should have stopped when they graduated. I know it is probably something going on in their life and it is about them but it still hurts and leaves me frustrated, upset and even angry. I would never say anything to anyone that I would feel would hurt them. I wish the rest of the world would do the same. I know that can't happen but oooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh sojourner, your post has gotten me started.